Fruit and Vag. (Not the good kind)

I recently took up a job at a local fresh produce store called Scutti. Fruit and Veg isn't just a job, it's a passion, it's my life. But lately, my colleagues and employers have almost succeeded in destroying my love for organic sustenance. Lifes hard when your a check out chick, on a day to day basis i'm confronted with serious serious questions like:

1. Do you do cash out?
2. How many varieties of gherkin do you sell?
3. I swear there were artichokes last time i was in here, do you know where they are?
4. I'm good thanks how are you?
5. Thom can you please re-arrange the cheese fridge?
6. What tastes better, Yellow flesh nectarines or White flesh nectarines?

The job pays well, 8 fucking dollars an hour...thats enough to pay for a bus fare home, which is a kilometre away. My bosses are two obese italian brothers who, despite there short stature manage to cross from one side of the shop to the other in 5 seconds to tell me off if I take one minute to think of something other than customers. A few weeks into the job and I'm already tempted to quit. It was two incidences that led me to make this decision.

The first occured during the early days of my employment. The shop had just been closed and i'd finished cleaning up my section so i was sent to the cheese fridge to rearrange the wide variety of cheeses we have in stock. Anyway when i got to the fridge 3 other people were already at work on the important job, including one total bitch who thinks she owns the joint. I picked up a wedge of vintage cheddar and put it on top of a wedge of Danish Port-Salut, just for shits and giggles. Within a millisecond the chick was on my back.

"What the fuck do you think your doing?"

"Re-arranging the cheese fridge"

"Your putting that in the wrong spot"

"Oh yeah because re-arranging the cheese fridge is essential to the success of this business. I mean fuck imagine if this Animaletti di Provola accidentally got picked up by someone who wanted nothing more but to purchase a nice slice of Romadur, what would happen then? Fucking chaos thats what, it'd be apocolyptic, god would be cheated and the foundations of this very earth would come crashing down wouldn't they?"

"Well it helps them sell, and if you have a problem with that maybe you should go and talk to Nick."

I then ran to the other end of the fridge and put a Hi-Lo milk right in the middle of the Full Creams, just to piss her off.

The second incident occured just the other day. Some fat bitch who works there aswell had just knocked off and was buying some groceries (mainly chocolate) to take home and eat her sorrows away while watching Friends and wishing she had some. You always get nervous when you serve someone who has been doing the same job for way longer than you so i took extra special care. After i'd put all her chocolate through she said to me "Um can i please just tell you something? You are really shit at packing bags". It was like a scene from a movie, everyone at the tills gasped and in a split second I'd already thought of my retort.

"Yes sure you can tell me that, as long as i can tell you that your fat and your going to die a lonely old widow. No one else has ever complained about my packing, so why don't you pack the fucking bag?"

She looked infuriated at me and immediately informed my boss who spent the rest of my shift giving me an enormous lecture. I'll probably get fired from that shithole before i get the chance to quit.

R.I.P Uncle Flava.

My great uncle died the other day. But when he died hidden truths were revealed. Turns out this guy was a total pimp. After the funeral mum came home and told me stories about him that i wish I'd known before.
Apparently, when he came home from work, his four daughters (One of them named Quits because he'd quit trying for a boy) all had to be showered and dressed in there nighties and brunch coats waiting at the front door in a line. When he walked into the house they would all have to curtsy and say "Men are supreme", to which he would respond with only a smirk.
I asked mum if he carried a cane and drank from a jewel studded goblet, but sensing i was enjoying the sexism she left the room and made my dinner.

Breakdancing is for Bitches.

Da Streetz

Gang warfare has plagued Perth City for countless decades. Ever since i remember, my mother has told me to "Be home before dark" or "Don't walk the streets alone". Being a naive and curious youth i never quite understood what she meant. It was only when i hit my early teens i began to undersand. The evening news finally made sense, but a fragile being, i was still completely unready for the world of chaos i had been cast into so suddenly.

Many families have been torn apart, many properties have been destroyed and, most importantly, many "homies" have been "slayed". Perth isn't safe, and despite the police contributing they're best efforts, turf wars have still failed to subside. People are still beating, raping, stabbing and threatening eachother, some, so i've read have even progressed to the level of passing eachother mean notes during class...

Period 4:

The air was bitter and foul, the wind was crisp upon my face, and the stench of dried blood hung heavy in the air above us. I got up and closed the window, Sat down in my seat next to my supposed friends Whiteman and Yates. They were yet to find out about the menacing street gang I'd just started. I didn't think i'd tell them, didn't want to put their lives at risk, so they stared on, oblivious. I looked down at the worksheet i was about to fill out, when a small slip of paper in the top left hand corner of my desk caught my eye. My gang had countless enemies, so i glanced around cautiously before reading the note.

The first threat was simplistic, issued by the most primitive of the gangs.

"419 is watching you"

My gut wrenched in horror, as my eyes darted around the room, in search of the person who dared to threaten my awesome gang. More horror hit me when i realised who'd left the note. I stared into Whiteman's eyes, perplexed that my best friend, the one i trusted with my life, had just threatened to end it. I attempted to write a witty reply back to him, but turned in disbelief back to my desk, only to find another note lying upon it.

I reeled around to my right, to see Yates glaring at me menacingly. How could two of my best friends have started gangs behind my back? more importantly why were they threatening mine? I had no chance but to use my superior linguistic skills and unique knowledge of crime to fight back.

As the rest of the period progressed, more notes were passed between the desks that sat side by side in the back row. I must warn you, some of these images are quite distressing so it is advised you close your eyes

Yates = VPBZ

Stewman = Mad Kuntz/Hard Kuntz

Whiteman = 419

I'll leave it up to you to decide who is the hardest out of Perth's 3 most vicious gangs.

(It's MADKUNTZ)

Renaissance Art

I've been in Europe almost 3 weeks now and i can definately tell you what has been the highlight of my trip. The Louvre. Not only is the quality of this particular artwork notable but the subject of it is miraculously entertaining. *


*As you can see, the woman shown is lactating, with the "comforting" hand of an angel (who seems to be enjoying the whole situation a little too much) on her shoulder, while some seedy fuck surveys the scene from behind a curtain.

Real Surveys

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Boosh Bash

A few nights ago, Whiteman, Tithe and I attended a Mighty Boosh themed party. I really can't be fucked writing about it at the moment so here are some photographs of the night's festivities.

Do, Re, Mi

How Entrancing.

Muesli & Creeps

I just ate the biggest bowl of muesli i've ever consumed in my life. It was so good. Not only did it contain a vast variety of grains including sunflower seeds, almonds and pepitas but it also included a whole heap of dried fruit such as sultanas, diced apricots and diced dates. To top it off i added freshly made stewed apple and yoghurt. Ecstasy.

In other news, for some of us private school bitches, semester 2 started today. Why we didn't start it at the beginning of next term like any straight thinking school, still remains a mystery. Probably some bullshit to do with the importance of learning.

Anyway, the sudden transition from cool teachers and cool subjects, to inadequate subjects with teachers who are obstinate and grouchy was a little too much to handle, so instead of doing homework i've decided to do up individual informational profiles on these creeps.

Creep #1: Mr. Solomon, Biology

Now don't tell me "Solomon" was the name of the wisest man on earth because this creep claims it all the time. I walk into class today and he's wearing beige pants, a big grey jumper and a "humorous" tie which simply had sheep on it. Perhaps the tie was his own, miserable little way of getting through the day, through the rueful career choice he was destined to pursue. We entered the classroom and for the whole period he just blabbed on and on about how we had to respect him then made us watch some atrocious outdated video on organisms from like the 1980s. We all know what they're like.

Mr. P, History

This guy was absent today so i'm not going to assess him just yet. However i must say he looks like he IS history so he probably knows what he's talking about.

Creep #2: Mr. Trend, Mathematics

This guy contradicted my theory that a person's name says alot about they're character. If this guy thinks the "Huge Bald Spot" look is a trend that'll be soon taken up by hip youngsters he should stay indoors. As he drawled on about matrices etc, all i could think about was how hard i'd have to hit the top of his head to leave a big red handmark on it. He must grease that dome because when i finally did attempt working, i couldn't copy notes off the whiteboard because the harsh sunlight was reflecting off his head straight into my eyes.

Not So Bad #1: Miss O, Drama

Everyone loves the O-Dawg, probably because she teaches the subject that allows you to absolutely chill out and still get an A. She's pretty cool, except when she's PMSing, but at least even then she'll address the class and admit she's being a bitch. Aside from that O-Dawg is the finest that Wesley has to offer.

Shit-Damn #1, Miss G, English.

Make that the second finest. Miss G is the most sophisticated, beautiful, entrancing, sought-after, mind blowing teacher at the school. Naturally, everyone wants to fornicate her. Poor girl is subjected to what, in the non-institutionalised world would be classified as "Sexual Harrassment" on a day to day basis. You know how everyone has those fantasies about getting with their teacher? Miss G is in 15,000 of those fantasies. The shit thing is she's not even my English teacher. She was in year 8 but i was too young and naive to appreciate it. One of the biggest regrets of my life.

Creep #3: Miss H, English

Emphasis on the MISS please. This is my real English teacher. She seems to be fond of the "Character Analysis" tool, if only she could read this.

I imagine that during her high school days, she was the nerdy chick who gave the cool guys second thoughts. However today she does nothing more than whine on about poetic techniques and does the best she can to destroy Literature for those of us who hold it close to our hearts. She also has an obsession with Brad Pitt, hence the posters of him plastered on her classroom walls. Keep dreamin' lady.

Creep #4, Mr. W, Full time creep.

This is the creep who roams the school, on the hunt for students who were 30 seconds late too class. That i can bear. What i can't bear is the fact that he is also put in charge of making sure students get THEIR F****** HAIR CUT.

Doesn't that make you sick?

One reason to invest in an IPhone.

Sabelo Magic. Chapter II

The other day in maths, Fresh passed me a note. I know it's kind of cliche and lame but hey, he's black.

Now for those of you who cannot read his primitive handwriting allow me to decipher.

He asked me what time i was leaving school, i replied verbally and told him 3:20, the usual time. He then proceeded to write his response on paper. It's okay i understand. Being seen conversing with a tall, skinny white-boy would probably "cramp his style yo". His response to my verbal elucidation was "Na man I just wanna go for a durrie".


Durrie


A slang term for cigarette. Used mainly in Australia but sometimes New Zealand.
"Oi ranga!" "Yer mate?" "Passus a durrie would ya!"

Now obviously i was absolutely flabbergasted that this kid had already caught on to the majority of Australia's hip lingo slang in such a short period of time, even more so, that he had put the word "smoke" in brackets next to the abbreviation, as if trying to imply that I might not be aware of the term. But then i remembered he was a boarder, so living in the same building as a bunch of simplistic farmers probably contributed alot to his knowledge of the more, stereotypical side of our culture.

Magic then proceeded to cross out the word "smoke", a necessary precaution, being that if he was caught he would surely be sent back to Johannesburg and be whipped, tortured and fed to hungry seals or whatever the fuck they're native animal is over there.
In response to Kobe's remark, i informed him of the dangers of smoking and the serious risks it can have on your health. This made him laugh and tell me that I "can speak so much shit". I think he likes me.


"Friends are born, not made." - Henry Adams

Divine Flu.

God bless the mexicans.

Fucking Plurals.

I recently discovered that the plural to "Phenomenon" is actually "Phenomena" not "Phenomenons". When i stumbled upon this fact i was absolutely gutted. It was almost as if I had fallen off Saruman's Tower in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, and landed on that big barbed thing that Saruman lands on after that huge battle with the trees and shit. If you haven't seen that part, then i suggest you invest in the extended version of the film. Thats right, as if 4 and a half hours of midgets fondling eachother, schizophrenic/anorexic tour guides debating whether or not to kill the clearly gay midgets, and Orlando Bloom with blonde hair, wasn't enough, you can buy the extended version with an hour of extra scenes. I have all 3. I didn't say i wasn't a fan.

Anyway please don't inform me of my failure to correctly construct a URL that followed obvious rules of the English language, because i'm already aware of it. You think I can just learn something like that and let it go? You think I can continue living my life the way it was before? No sir. In order to replenish myself and rid my body of such sins, i have decided that reading the dictionary naked, by candlelight every night, and branding the plurals of every word onto my flesh is the only way. Apart from that my week was good.

For those who are unfamilliar with The Code of Jack & John.

So, if one was to say "Oh look, there's a thirty!"
It would be an abbreviated version of saying "Oh look there's a bunch of cockneys harassing an albino gypsy!"


Made for your convenience.

Why i love MLSHS.

Now those of you who know me, would be well aware that i am not particularly fond of violence and conflict, a "Delicate Flower" if you will. I'm also not a fan of posting about people i hate, and i realise this will be my second hate post but i want you all to know just how pathetic some people are.

First a little background knowledge. You may also be aware that my best friend Whiteman also created a blog (http://www.thewizardofrobb.blogspot.com/), A charming, sophomoric yet well structured page, displaying poorly photoshopped photos of his head on the bodies of movie stars, fictional characters etc. Now early last week Whiteman and I created a piece with only good intentions in mind. It was a photograph of a fair-skinned (accentuated with photoshop) girl we know, with Whiteman dressed in a ghost-busters uniform and brandishing a Proton gun right next to her. Did i mention our intentions were good?
Anyway this hilarious creation was placed on the blog and a few days later we started getting threats from her friends and her friend's boyfriends...

Here's an example of the highly sophisticated analytical conversations we had with them.
I assure you this guy IS for real, no editing whatsoever.




- Frigo; + says:
aydard
herd you were being a smart cunt ?


Stewman says:
Who me?


- Frigo; + says:
No the fucking wall next to you you dumb cunt


Stewman says:
nice to meet you too!


- Frigo; + says:
yeah id like to meet me to
why were you being a rude cunt to my girlfriend you mut


Stewman says:
who's your girlfriend?


- Frigo; + says:
jord


Stewman says:
hahaah oh thats tasteful! didn't she go out with your best friend?



- Frigo; + says:
yeah she did
dont get smart with you ill put your head onto the curb



Stewman says:
I don't understand, you talk like you grew up in the bronx but you go to a private school! what is this sorcery!



- Frigo; + says:
what the fuck
dont give me that shit you fucking stupid cunt
fuckyour stupid
you havent a clue how deep the whole your digging is
were you being a smart cunt to cait stewart to ?



Stewman says:
make up your mind...am i a "stupid cunt"? or a "smart cunt"?



- Frigo; + says:
well your a fucking stupid cunt
were you being a smart cunt to cait stewart to ?
you dont no what youve got coming cunt
call my girlfriend ugly ?
not a good move



Stewman says:
No offence...she's not exactly "easy on the eyes"



- Frigo; + says:
your kall friends smart he nows when to back down
ill be paying you a visit with some of my friends this weekend




Stewman says:
maybe i'll be paying you a visit with some of mine




- Frigo; + says:
okeeey
please do



- Frigo; + says:
can you fight me ?




Stewman says:
Lover not a fighter




- Frigo; + says:
your be making love to the concrete




Stewman says:
HAHAHAHAHA sorry i can't take you seriously...




- Frigo; + says:
ahaah dont you worry
this is only the begining




Stewman says:
you sound like you should be on "never back down"



At this point in the conversation, i informed my good friend Levi of this delectable young gent's intentions, who then told a pal who told a pal etc...


Stewman says:
been chatting with my friends i hear...




- Frigo; + says:
yeah cuz




Stewman says:
cuz?
are you black?




- Frigo; + says:
shut up you faggot
no im not



Stewman says:
settle down little man, you ought to be polite to this lot, they're fond of blades.




- Frigo; + says:
sick
umm that doesnt scare me to much
my mate put a meat cleaver over someone head
right infront of me
knife dont scare me to much ay




Stewman says:
wow, seems like your pretty much a street kid...
so when do you plan on beating me up pal?




- Frigo; + says:
when i feel





etc, etc, etc.




Reading this you must be thinking, this kid's got it bad man, probably scrounges around on the streets looking for his next meal, probably witnesses violence, murder and rape on a daily basis, probably a fucking child soldier. This isn't the case...he's a high-class Trinity College student who's parents pay about $15,000 dollars a year for his education. It's not paying off, he still can't spell as shown above. I admit i go to a private school, but i don't act like i'm the hardest kid on the block. Not a chance.


Thats why I love MLSHS.

Beaufort Blunders

In my hectic efforts to share with you the crazy escapades and wacky misendeavours my friends and i occur, i completely forgot the reason why i wanted to start a blog in the first place.

It was to inform you all of me meeting a great visionary from Navan, County Meath .

Dylan Moran. Heard of him? The barely-sober bastard irish comedian from such classics as "Black Books" and "Shaun of the Dead"?

Here's how it went down.

Whiteman, Bec, Han, Rosa and I were driving along, listening to some whack tunes, when we decided to stop off at Planet Video to pick up a CD or some shit. Whiteman, obviously tired from the events of the previous night decided to stay in the car. BIG MISTAKE 1.

We entered the building and i immediately felt petrified. As if i had just stared into the eyes of that fucking snake from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. My whole body ceased moving and i sensed a very strong aura other than my own in that same room.

Han, Bec and Rosa, Oblivious, walked straight behind the tall, greasy looking figure. Words escaped me so i reached out and grabbed Han's arm but she shrugged me off, looked at me as if i was a rapist and walked off. BIG MISTAKE 2.

"Dylan?" i asked hesitantly.

"What?" he replied in a gruff undertone, much like that of Bernard Black's.

5 seconds passed in which i only made a hoarse squeaking sound

"Can i shake your hand?" (smooth right)

"Alright then"

We exchanged a handshake and a single tear rolled down my cheek.

I then invited him to a gig we were playing at HQ that night and he agreed to come. After watching the gig he approached me, bawling and told me i had a voice like that of an angel, and called up his close friend, the head of Sharp Records who immediately gave us a 6 album contract.

Well, none of the last paragraph actually happened, i actually made a total dick of myself infront of the Planet staff and Dylan by making orgasm noises and running out of the shop.

When one imagines meeting one of they're Idols or a celebrity of any kind, they imagine it all going smoothly in they're heads, making casual small talk rather than indecipherable gasps but i assure you this is not how it works.

I spent the rest of that day calling friends and telling them about it, ripping Whiteman for staying in the car and ripping Bec, Han and Rosa for being ignorant fools and missing out on touching Dylan Moran.

Amen.

Mid term break, 4 day headache.

The week ended young, and thursday night found me at home hitting myself in the head with a shoe and asking myself what the fuck i was doing there.

Friday morning saw Whiteman and I heading to the Lee-Traub residence to take advantage of the facilities and reap the benefits of the house owners being out of town. Within 5 minutes of getting there, Whiteman found some unknown reason to totally snap at Kall and I, and ran off crying into Hyde Park. Well he wasn't really crying, just infuriated. Unfortunately for him, right after he left Lewis rocked up with a parcel for Kall containing 200 flavoured condoms that we made some kid at our school pay for and have sent to Lewis' personalised PO box. A series of cool photos were taken but they haven't been developed yet. Eventually we hunted down the Whiteman, got drunk, went for a bicycle ride in a park full of rapists, asian prostitutes and serial killers, made horrendous meaningless videos, threw condoms full of shampoo at cars and buses and finally, crashed out at the Whiteman's for a gaming session complete with a TV, 24 inch Mac, CS, X-Box and a terabyte of movies.

That was Friday.

The next day i was awoken at Whiteman's house by a dog with a head too small for it's body. We spent the afternoon celebrating Jude's birthday in Hyde Park with a range of different people. The second i arrived i was greeted with an immense amount of praise for my below post but alas, everyone was dressed up in wacky costumes and i had nothing but an old jumper and jeans on, so i sauntered over to Lee-Traub HQ, put on a tux shirt, combed my hair and drew on a moustache. I was now sporting the "Seedy Frenchman" look. After a few hours I abandoned post at Hyde Park, leaving it's lush greenery scattered with countless condoms, semi-conscious bodies, skateboards, bikes empty bottles and face crayons. That night Whiteman and Kall slept over and Kall and I Tea-bagged Whiteman when he was asleep and filmed it on his beloved Mac. Nuff said.

Depp

Cactastic

Bystanders stood and stared as the innocent young woman was violated

Two girls, One finger.

Whats seedier?

The afternoon in a nutshell

Sunday we made the familiar journey back to Lee-Traubville and set up camp there for the day. Sims, Em Tut, Jess, Crook, Charles and Alex all rocked up and we set up the Hookah and drank all day, vacating the premises only once to purchase meals with photocopied Hungry Jacks vouchers. That was the best day of the weekend. Monday was very much the same, with about 15 people coming over and helping Kall enjoy the last few hours of freedom before his parents came home. After that i played basketball and lost by one point. A hefty price to pay for having a good time.

The Setup

The Smokeup


Hungry Jacks break
Then back for more...

All images courtesy of Perthcrooks.